probabilityfields

INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING

JOEL takes a seat in a booth. He uncomfortably eyes the other customers who quietly judge him.
A waitress brings him a menu.

WAITRESS
Just you?

JOEL
No, one more.

WAITRESS
Okie doke.

JOEL
Oh, can I get some onion rings?

WAITRESS
Sure thing.

Joel flips through the menu, but sets it down when he notices the tabletop jukebox.
He finds the perfect song and deposits a quarter.

He looks up to

NICK enters.

Joel’s song selection plays: “Any way you want it, that’s the way you need it, any way you want it…”

Nick takes his seat.

NICK
Sorry I’m late.

JOEL
No problem. I ordered us some onion rings.

NICK
(unsure)
Ooh, fried food?

JOEL
Come on. They’re the best in the state.

The waitress brings two glasses of water and the onion rings. Joel and Nick start eating them.

NICK
So what did you want to discuss?

Joel shifts in his seat, and takes a sip of his water.

JOEL
I really don’t know how to say this.

NICK
Come on, Joel. Just say it.

Joel looks nervously at a customer that walks by on his way to the restroom.

NICK (CONT’D)
Joel, man, you can tell me anything.

Joel sighs. The music continues to play: “Ooh, all night, all night…”

JOEL
Nick.

NICK
Joel.

JOEL
We got canceled.

NICK
Oh, God.

Nick holds his head in his hands.

NICK (CONT’D)
I knew this was coming.

JOEL
Nick, it’s okay.

Joel reaches across to put his hand on Nick’s shoulder.

NICK
How could this be okay?

JOEL
I’ve got good news.

NICK
Good news?

The music swells with the chorus: “Any way you want it, that’s the way you need it…”

JOEL
I just saved a bundle of–

The screen goes black. The sound cuts.

THE END

Google “biggest US evacuation since Hurricane Katrina” and you’ll get stories from every news agency in the world about the California wildfires that have forced the evacuation of a measly half million people. Does anyone remember the Hurricane Rita evacuation that took place a month after Katrina? Three million people evacuated Southeast Texas and Louisiana when Rita was a huge category five in the largest exodus of Americans since the Dust Bowl. I wrote the BBC yesterday because I saw the error there first, but I received no response and it doesn’t look like anyone else cares to make the correction. So I’m angry and indignant. Bah!

During my two hours of “break time” at work the other day I found this article that says that swearing in the workplace builds morale and solidarity. Inspired, I wrote this cold opening for The Office. Enjoy!

COLD OPENING

INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY

PAM is on the phone with a client. The sound of shuffling papers, typing, and phone conversations fills the office. MICHAEL enters.

MICHAEL
(”Good morning!”)
What the fuck is going on, you bunch of assholes?

Pam is shocked.

JIM looks at the camera.

Even DWIGHT’s eyes are wide.

ANGELA puts her hands over her ears and gasps.

PAM
(to client)
I’m sorry, can I call you back?

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Last week everyone was talking about this article on the
internet about a study saying that swearing boosts morale
and solidarity in the workplace. So I immediately
forwarded it Michael.

JIM fakes a cringe: “Whoops.”

INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Michael smiles, holding up his arms. He finishes with…

MICHAEL
Eh, go fuck yourselves.

…and walks into his office.

END COLD OPENING