probabilityfields

I was watching the Pussycat Dolls reality game show thing (not really) and I came up with a great idea for another reality game show thing: The Next Ghostbusters. This is a solid gold idea! Contestants will have to live together in a decrepit firehouse, drive around in an old ambulance, make toasters dance, and each week they’ll get sent on real ghostbusting missions. One by one they’ll be eliminated, or “slimed,” until we’re left with four new Ghostbusters! The winners of course would go on to star in Ghostbusters 3, which will be a horrible disappointment. Harold Ramis, give me a call.

INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING

JOEL takes a seat in a booth. He uncomfortably eyes the other customers who quietly judge him.
A waitress brings him a menu.

WAITRESS
Just you?

JOEL
No, one more.

WAITRESS
Okie doke.

JOEL
Oh, can I get some onion rings?

WAITRESS
Sure thing.

Joel flips through the menu, but sets it down when he notices the tabletop jukebox.
He finds the perfect song and deposits a quarter.

He looks up to

NICK enters.

Joel’s song selection plays: “Any way you want it, that’s the way you need it, any way you want it…”

Nick takes his seat.

NICK
Sorry I’m late.

JOEL
No problem. I ordered us some onion rings.

NICK
(unsure)
Ooh, fried food?

JOEL
Come on. They’re the best in the state.

The waitress brings two glasses of water and the onion rings. Joel and Nick start eating them.

NICK
So what did you want to discuss?

Joel shifts in his seat, and takes a sip of his water.

JOEL
I really don’t know how to say this.

NICK
Come on, Joel. Just say it.

Joel looks nervously at a customer that walks by on his way to the restroom.

NICK (CONT’D)
Joel, man, you can tell me anything.

Joel sighs. The music continues to play: “Ooh, all night, all night…”

JOEL
Nick.

NICK
Joel.

JOEL
We got canceled.

NICK
Oh, God.

Nick holds his head in his hands.

NICK (CONT’D)
I knew this was coming.

JOEL
Nick, it’s okay.

Joel reaches across to put his hand on Nick’s shoulder.

NICK
How could this be okay?

JOEL
I’ve got good news.

NICK
Good news?

The music swells with the chorus: “Any way you want it, that’s the way you need it…”

JOEL
I just saved a bundle of–

The screen goes black. The sound cuts.

THE END

During my two hours of “break time” at work the other day I found this article that says that swearing in the workplace builds morale and solidarity. Inspired, I wrote this cold opening for The Office. Enjoy!

COLD OPENING

INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY

PAM is on the phone with a client. The sound of shuffling papers, typing, and phone conversations fills the office. MICHAEL enters.

MICHAEL
(”Good morning!”)
What the fuck is going on, you bunch of assholes?

Pam is shocked.

JIM looks at the camera.

Even DWIGHT’s eyes are wide.

ANGELA puts her hands over her ears and gasps.

PAM
(to client)
I’m sorry, can I call you back?

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Last week everyone was talking about this article on the
internet about a study saying that swearing boosts morale
and solidarity in the workplace. So I immediately
forwarded it Michael.

JIM fakes a cringe: “Whoops.”

INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY

Michael smiles, holding up his arms. He finishes with…

MICHAEL
Eh, go fuck yourselves.

…and walks into his office.

END COLD OPENING

Last night I started reading scripts for Sports Night and then watching the episode. Not only has it been helpful for my screenwriting aspirations, but I also found this scene in the pilot that allowed me to cram a lot of Latin into my headline. Enjoy.

I got a lot of fiery comments after the Sopranos finale from people I’ve never heard of (click here). It’s as if they think I’m David Chase or the mayor of HBO. For the record, I loved the finale. Sure, I jumped up and joined in the collective cringe shared by eight million viewers as the screen went black, but the more I ruminated the more I loved it. See these links for in depth analysis:

http://alessonaday.wordpress.com/2007/06/15/sopranos-finale-analysis-of-final-scene/
http://www.bobharris.com/content/view/1406/1/

Some of it is dubious, but it’s all interesting.

Also, the video at the top of this page is the coolest campaign gimmick since Giuliani stopped dressing in drag.

Tonight’s episode was just incredibly depressing. I don’t even feel inspired to make any great insights or interesting interpretations. It’s just terrible. I remember the first few seasons when Tony was depressed, but the writers and producers weren’t. There was humor and great action sequences. Now the humor is sad because it only highlights the hopeless stupidity of the characters, and the action is morbid rather than spectacular.

I think the voice of the writers comes out in AJ when he talks about how the world is so horrible and you’d have to be crazy to not be depressed. The complaints of the viewer are anticipated by Carmella telling Tony to stop playing the “depression card.” Of course her demand is rude and insensitive, but damnit is it too much to ask for one of the greatest shows in TV history to end its run with some entertaining episodes?

*SPOILER*
When AJ jumped into that pool I felt relieved that we wouldn’t have to focus on his stupid story any more. Unfortunately he didn’t die so we get to look at his horrible facial hair for at least one more episode. Jeez, somebody kill these people already.